i'm sick

and i'm very tired.

and the thought of going back to school, while thrilling the hell out of me, also pisses me off to no end.

everything is a pretense. you never see more of john belk than what john belk wants you to see. he's one of the most genuine and stripped people i know, but we only know what he wants us to know. that's no shock, i'm aware, but let's spread this out, shall we?

why do we type in these things? for you to read it. for you to think, "oh man, paul's got his shit together," or "man, paul, that guy knows how to say what's on his mind, what insight!" this might as well be the way i dress, it's just an extra skin to affect the lens through which you see me.

so here's what i have to say.

anybody can blow crap up your ass. i can, and probably have. anything you see is on purpose, and to reinforce this wretched system of storefronts and band shirts. hold on, i'm going to sound religious, sensitive, or intelligent. i'll be done in a minute, back to me, but i'm gonna stick these letters up here to get a few points in your mind and a few steps closer into either your pants or your approval.

don't be offended, we all should be, just think about it and tell me i'm wrong. you can even post it somewhere, i'll think of you as a rebel or a freethinker.

posted by paul @ 9:48 PM

so much shit hitting so many fans.
what the bloody hell? why do i have to take it from you? why don't i make a list of the people i hang out with in a shameless attempt to make you feel as if you were out of the loop. Tee hee, i had fun, and now i have to tell you about it to prove it. i'm so sick of this shit, and i'm taking it from all sides, and everyone's so worried about their short list and is complaining about being left out. if you have a phone, you are never left out. and i promise i will never tell you about something i did that you weren't involved in or not invited to. i am a fair guy, i try to care, i try to call someone everyday, i try to keep in touch, but i don't need you to make me feel like a person, so why the hell are you using me to do the same?

love is a choice, it is an act, it involves caring and not continually running over folks then bitching about it.

ask yourself what you bring to the party. ask yourself who you are. and instead of introducing yourself by the things about you that you don't like, why not change it and become a better person?

i heard some one on television, "i start yelling when i get nervous, it's a coping mechanism." there is no such thing as an identified coping mechanism, it then becomes an excuse.

i hope you are offended.

posted by paul @ 10:28 PM